my pa asked a very random question the other day. he said i’d gone through my schooling years very smoothly and landed a job without much trouble..but he wondered if i had any dreams in life and whether i had the time to ponder about things.

i didn’t have an answer.

i don’t know what my dreams are. is there anything in life that was so important to me that i would not be able to rest in peace if i didn’t do it before i died? is there anything that drives me and keeps me motivated? i don’t know.

it’s quite sad right? to realise you don’t have any dreams..? maybe im so realistic that i don’t know how to dream, how to think about things that are out of reach and not immediately feasible and practical.

i think i like learning.

decided to continue with the second round of my Friday hips-abs-butt-thighs lunchtime class, even though it sometimes sucks exercising knowing my colleagues are out for a nice long lunch. also signed up for Tuesday hip hop classes with some other colleagues can’t wait for the class to start! i don’t know if i’m doing this to distract myself from work but even so, i think it’s good to immerse myself in learning, rather than sit around and whine about life. you can’t feel down when you’re enriching your life.

there were some tough weeks in the past mth, when i felt so overwhelmed, i just wanted to drop everything and walk off, or switch to a completely different job. i actually browsed around to see what qualifications i would need for these other jobs.

maybe i think too much..i keep trying to find some deeper significance to the work i do..some noble cause that will justify the rushing and hard work..or at least some appreciation for the effort we put in..and i get so disillusioned when i can’t find it. but if i can’t decide what i can move on to, and i don’t have the courage to get up and go, i guess there’s nothing else to do but to learn to cope and adjust my expectations.

in the meantime, shall keep my spirits up by filling myself with new knowledge and new experiences!

화이팅! (hwaiting!) hee:)

let’s not take anything for granted:)

一起走着， 没说什么，心是满足的。

it wasn’t so much to do with the sport itself, but rather, when i finally had time for myself, it forced me to rethink many things in my life. when you don’t have much free time, only people and things that fit into your limited schedule can be in your life. i didn’t really need to think about why i spend my time the way i do, because it’s so much easier to rely on the convenient excuse of being busy. when you have a lot of free time, suddenly you need to have real reasons for the way you choose to spend your time. i can no longer tell myself i don’t want to meet up with a certain group of friends because i don’t have time, it was because i just didn’t have anything in common with that group of friends anymore. i realised that there were people i wanted to keep close, there were people i wanted to keep in touch with, and there were people i wanted out of my circle. and there were goals worth chasing, and goals that I needed to grow out of.

that said, i don’t mean that busy people can’t develop that clarity. it’s just that for me, i needed to be stripped of all my usual excuses and be left with no choice before i could re-organise my life and decide what mattered and what didn’t. so yes, cheer and being busy was an excuse. it was an excuse i hid behind to avoid new responsibilities, to avoid the discomfort of making new friends, to procrastinate abt returning to church, to drift along aimlessly, to mask my lack of enthusiasm abt life.

two years after leaving cheer, i think i now understand myself a little better and i’m definitely more comfortable with myself, than before. it’s probably also age la haha. in view of my upcoming 24th birthday (yes next week is my bday whee!) im glad i finally understood how and why my perspective of myself and of life has changed.

oh well, i did enjoy the third day when we went whitewater rafting, did the flying fox and rode the ATV i can be adventurous too hor! it was so much more fun than the bo liao island hopping on the second day..and safer too..we were thrown up and slammed down so much on the speedboat, i think our spines all got compressed.

my favourite pic of the lot.

kinda regret not doing parasailing, even though it’s a rip-off and i would be scared half to death. nvm. shall now save up for a bigger, longer and better trip next year

hmm so what’s changed in this one year? my bank account is slowly but surely growing, i’ve become a little more informed abt how the govt and parliament works (before this, i had no idea what those bored-looking MPs were doing sitting around in parliament), i think i have a better idea of what i want to do with my life, and we’re going to have our own house in less than 3 years. when you’re a student, it feels like you have all the time to waste and nothing seems to be settled because you have no idea what lies ahead after school ends. but once work starts and money comes in on a fixed schedule, suddenly things start to fall in place and you can afford to make plans.

actually i think i did quite ok in my first year. minor mistakes and some buay-zai-ness aside, i think i managed to cope with the steep learning curve and fast pace of life here. even my boss said fresh grads usually take a much longer time to get into the groove of things. in the coming year, i hope i make fewer mistakes and have fewer heart attacks. haha. now that i’m no longer considered a newbie (sobs!) i need to be more steady and sure of myself! since i’ve decided i’m going to stick it out and learn as much as i can in this two years, i might as well do my best and have no regrets. jiayouuuu.

(that doesn’t mean i’m not going to complain about monday blues and work irritations hee. complaining is carthartic. if i don’t complain, one day i will go to work and stab everyone to death or get a stroke on the mrt.)

on a pain scale of 1 to 10, lasik was probably only a 2, my worst period cramps ever was maybe a 5, even the chinese sinseh kneading/killing my head would hit 7. putting hot wax on your private bits and having hair ripped out repeatedly scored a freaking i-want-to-scream-vulgarities-9. now my skin is red and sore and i think i will have nightmares tonight hahaha. i don’t think i will do it again thankewverymuch.

*whimper*

shiokypies. mc suggested gg there once a month just to de-stress and i was reluctant (as usual) at first, but now i think why not? even if not to tanjong beach club, just gg somewhere nice and indulgent once a month would still do wonders for the mind and spirit.

i still can feel the sea waves on my body… *daydreams* think i will sleep well tonight.

yesterday my colleagues and i were sharing over lunch about our first dates with our bfs..and i realised mc and i watched a scary movie marathon on our first date. texas chainsaw massacre *shudders* hahaha maybe guys really bring girls to watch scary movies for ‘ulterior motives’? :p

anyways we decided to do it again, luckily this time it wasn’t a scary movie marathon, just one show that i wanted to watch, and one show that he wanted to watch. i hate to admit it but the show he chose was much nicer than the one i chose boo. yes, i insisted on taking a pic at the mrt platform (the same station as our first date!) to complete the replication hurhur.

wish june wld come quick! want to go for our holidayyyyy. although abit sian about the unavoidable sunburn/tan..but i just want to go on holiday! i want to soak in the cool ocean! i want to have no fixed schedule! i want to take a plane! i’ll be happy just going to changi airport!

need some goals in life. something to work towards, something to look forward to..im too lazy to even start thinking abt it.